Anxiety

With only three days left before the moving truck arrives, I feel the knot in my stomach, or the lump in my throat, or the squeeze in my chest getting heavier, bigger, or tighter, daily... It's rendering me pretty much useless at times. I can just sit and try not to think about moving. I've played countless rounds of Bejewelled when I could have been packing boxes, sorting junk, dealing with things myself. But I find myself overwhelmed, and staring at boxes, or watching whatever I can find on TV to avoid doing anything. In reality I've been packing for two weeks on and off and I am nearly done. I keep saying (for the past three days) that I could wrap this up in a day if I really wanted to, but I need to keep out some stuff so we can actually live here until the move day. I believe that's true. I could pack all of this up in a matter of hours. But I can't. I open a cupboard and I just stare at the contents. And I tell myself "those are my spices. I can't pack those yet. What if I decide to make something?" Or I'll think "No, I shouldn't pack those yet. I should probably just throw them away anyways. Well some of it I'll keep. I'll have to go through it. Later I guess." And I close the cupboard. And I walk away. And I look in another cupboard. And the situation repeats itself. Again and again, several times a day. I'll try to pack the same cupboard the next day, and the same thing happens. I've packed my clothes. I've packed the bathroom. The more I pack, the harder breathing gets. As the boxes pile higher, my chest gets tighter. I feel my head about to explode. I don't know if it's simply the clutter and mess and disorder in here, or if it's more than that.

I always get anxious before a trip, be it on an airplane, or a roadtrip. But this time I won't be coming home again. Home will be going with me, and with any luck, will implant itself where we stop... We'll set up a new home. I know that. But in the meantime, I will have no home. It's a hard thing for me to wrap my head around.

It's difficult entering into something with such mixed feelings. I am so excited to start a new "life", get a new job, make a new home, find new friends, get to know Ian's family better... I'm sure all of those will be wonderful. But I am still incredibly sad to be leaving my own family, and my close friends here. The sadness at leaving is overshadowing the possibility of excitement right now. It's putting a real damper on things. I just can't get myself excited for this. I feel it there, deep down, but it's like someone has put a big, sad, wet, gray, blanket over it, and it's stifling...

Maybe tomorrow I'll be excited and I'll get the packing finished.