I'm realizing that I've been spending so much time anticipating the future, I'm neglecting to live in the now, and appreciate all the daily joys of our lives together. Today, for instance, it's gorgeous and sunny outside, but I find myself anxious to check job postings and house listings, and we don't even know we're moving, 100%!
Things are not looking promising for Ian's job, and that really puts a hamper on our desire to move. We were really hoping his job would be the reason for the move, but now it looks as though we may be moving without that promise...
And so I find myself feeling stressed out, anxious, and completely unsettled. I'm nervous to move, dreading it at some moments, terrified to leave all I have here behind, particularly my family. At other times, I'm counting the moments until I can get out of here, away from this appartment and the high cost of living in this city. Then, I'm struck by what a beautiful city it is and I wonder if I will miss it too much. I'm afraid I will miss my family terribly. Then I think about the family that I will be joining, am already a part of, but feel so far away... Certainly our closer proximity will make being a part of Ian's family more obvious. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them and getting to know them all better. But obviously they can never replace my family and I'm afraid it won't be enough... I'm afraid I may even miss my job! Certainly there are aspects of my job that I enjoy, and I'm quite sure there are aspects I don't appreciate enough now, but will miss when they're gone. What if I don't find a job I enjoy right away? I'm afraid this will be very hard work, starting over again. But we'll have eachother, and having Ian's family nearby will definitly help... won't it?
Now I realize that I'm so afraid of moving from here, of change, that maybe I'm not embracing this opportunity the way I should be. This could be an incredible move to make. This could be a terrible move to make. We won't know unless we try, and not trying because we're afraid it will be a bad move is stupid.
So instead of stressing out about the possibility of moving, I'm going to try to enjoy what I have now, at this time, in this city. I'm going to try to live in the now.
